A quick bit of background: Eiko, Kazuhiro, and ther version of Trunks that are being referred to are RPed by K-chan. Eiko and Kazuhiro are her own creations. If you're smart, you won't take them. From what I understand, she's a pretty good shot ^^; Karma, Neo, Kara, and Chandra are mine. I don't need a gun to show how unhappy I am. Trust me. I have people who will vouche for me on that fact. ¬.¬ Whether I like it or not.This is like an interlude in the RP. The other characters are out having a grand ol' time and Karma decided to stay. This give you a fairly good insight to what's going on in her head. I can't say it's written well. In fact, I have to say that I think I totally screwed up everything. But that's not uncommon.
Don't tell me to stop
Tell the rain not to drop
Tell the wind not to blow
'Cause you said so, mmm
Karma sat on the couch in Trunks' apartment, her eyes on the window. Her mind, however, was elsewhere. Sure, she's a demon. But as she's had to tell people on multiple occasions, she's of the 'light' variety. The opposite of what the Mazoku are. Of course, demons of her type were generally looked down upon by people. Her kind wasn't particularly fierce didn't really fight unless their lives or the lives of others were on the line. But they could feel things that the other types of demons could not. In their 'weakness' was strength of emotion. They, like mortals, could feel all of the emotions. Not just a few. Even the most precious of emotions.
But there were problems, especially with the 'catgirl' demons that were positive. Their instincts guided their emotion more often than thought, knowledge, or even reason. Karma smiled softly... Since when did reason become involved with emotions? Never in her opinion. Like now.
The smiled faded from her features and her orange eyes dropped from the window to stare at the orange tabby tail that was draped casually across her lap. She was more cat-like than she preferred people to know. She just knew when she met him that something was going to happen... but this? Sometimes she hated being what she was... a catgirl. People loved to exploit catgirls. Yes, their reasons might be different but the end result was perpetually the same. They were used. Nothing more than that.
"Goddess Light... I really do care for him," she whispered to the stillness of the apartment. Neo was there. Neo was always skulking around somewhere, especially when someone's mind was teeming with unhappiness. Not that it mattered. The Mazoku couldn't follow Karma's thoughts. So her words made absolutely no sense.
He wanted someone else. She knew it. And all she wanted was for all of them to be happy. So, acting on that, she began helping him. The dance that Trunks had thrown together would be the perfect opportunity. So she tagged along with the guys, watching them. And him in particular. He needed to be nudged a little. Just a little. Karma knew when she saw him in the mall that even the smallest nudge in the right direction would likely get him going in the direction that he wanted. But... it hurt.
Eiko had asked her if she was going to the club. She had make the excuse of watching the Nexus for them and claiming that catgirls didn't belong at such an event. The truth was that she could not have taken seeing what went on. She knew it. So Karma had stayed, alone in the empty room. Empty of people but full with her thoughts.
The event brought her to... well, now. She was still trying to get herself to stop feeling what she did for him. And having absolutely no success. Karma might as well sent a mortal to the beach and say "Here. Stop this oncoming hurricane without any magic." It wouldn't stop, no matter what she did. It just proved to her that emotions did what they damn well pleased. They didn't need a reason to be. But, in some cases, they could be the reason.
She couldn't let him know. It would upset him and make him conscious of the fact that in winning the one he wanted he'd hurt someone else. And, privately, she was harboring the fear that if he did know, he'd tell her no and to cut it out. That would hurt more than anything. Almost. Keeping up a facade of a smiling catgirl who delighted in life and had no worries or complications was hurting too.
Karma's eyes wandered to her upturned hands, staring at their evenly tanned skin. A few moments later, tears blurred her vision and dropped onto her wrists... burning her skin. She didn't flinch from the pain but just shook them from herself in a quick motion, being more careful about the other tears that were falling. Healing spells did nothing for her and too many burns would worry the rest of them. They didn't need that. Nor did they deserve that.
Tell the sun not to shine
Not to get up this time, no, no
Let it fall by the way
But don't leave me where I lay down
She bit her lip to force herself to stop the tears. Karma had no idea of when they would return and she didn't want to be caught like this. There would be no way to evade questions. She didn't like lying. She'd never lied.
Karma sat back a bit and shook her head. That wasn't true. She'd done nothing but lie since she'd met these people. Not lied by words but lied by her body language, her expressions, and... Well, she supposed that she -had- lied with words as well. But it was so that no one would be unhappy! She genuinely didn't think that she counted as part of the group. Even Neo had known them longer than she had, and Neo was very young by almost any standard. Karma, on the other hand, was much older. "Who am I fooling? I'm just as old as Sabrina, if not older."
With a sound of a cat's disgruntlement, she moved from her warm spot on the couch. There was no sound as she stalked from one side of room to the other, her cat paws silencing each impact with predatory effectiveness. Not that she hunted. She didn't need to after all. Demons like her got what they needed to survive from the positive emotions that people felt. But to be honest, Trunks and the rest of them had not been particularly happy. Chandra was slightly afraid of him. Understandable because of her background. His slightly bitter behavior concerned Karma slightly. It made her feel just a tad woozy as well.
As a matter of fact... happiness was in short supply in this place. Neo adored it; it was her all-you-can-eat buffet. Luckily Karma was extremely healthy when she arrived here. She had known that her form of sustenance might be scarce. But this? The ominous cloud of something hanging over this place was oppressing to someone of her nature. Whether Eiko knew it or not, he was her backup food supply. Karma felt genuinely guilty about not telling him that. But if he knew... The chances would be that he would not be happy. And that would be the end of another food supply.
She paused in her pacing as a beam of sunlight hit her eyes. Instinctively, Karma narrowed them, keeping the amount of sun pouring into her pupils from blinding her. "Light. I told him about sometimes light being found in the darkest hour..." Her eyes closed entirely as she heaved a sigh. "I never thought about where to ask to find my own." Which begged the next question. Did she need that light? Did she need that hope? Or, more precisely, did a demon need that hope? Or was she just different? Liable to fall if she didn't have hope to hold onto. And because of it... abandonable, exploitable, laughable.
Tell me love isn't true
It's just something that we do
Tell me everything I'm not
But please don't tell me to stop
"Am I just drawn to him...? Or do I love him?" No one answered. Even if someone had been there, they likely could not have told her. And she could tell herself. Only Karma knew herself. No one else did. Not even Chandra and she had been with the girl for years and Chandra still didn't know much about Karma but what she had seen. Karma was simply skilled at hiding things. Kara generally didn't let people close, keeping a sarcastic remark handy to make certain that people stayed at a suitable distance. Chandra's cool demeanor was enough in and of itself unless you were of Linker blood. Sabrina? Sabrina didn't know herself any longer. In Karma's mind, she didn't count.
The questions echoed through her mind repeatedly. And a simple voice answered them. Yes. You love him. Leave it to the subconscious to choose times like this to answer. She couldn't help it. Karma's mind beat incessantly at her heart as an incentive to stop it. Her heart had other ideas and -still- went on its merry way, still loving. Damn the thing. On second thought, that was a waste of energy. Don't damn the thing.
Whoever thought that being a catgirl was easy should try it for half a day. Karma was tired of being what she was. She was willing to be anything else but what she was. Wouldn't she have stood a better chance if she were human? ...Maybe? Is lacking cat ears etc. a perquisite for being noticed? It always seemed that way. 'Oh. Look. It's got a tail and ears. How cute!' Never a remark on Karma. At least, on who she really was. Plenty of remarks on the fur and the slit-pupiled eyes. "Oh, what freaky eyes you have!" Karma muttered to herself, modulating her voice to a ditzy falsetto.
As soon as Neo had noticed what was going on, a question had entered her eyes, even when giving Karma the barest of glances. 'How far are you going to take this?' Karma truthfully didn't know. In her mind, it depended upon how much effort it took to make everyone happy. She prayed that no one else would piece things together and tell her to stop. Chandra needed a father who cared about her existence. And here one was. She hoped that things would happen by themselves, without any help from her. That was a more delicate situation than even the one between Kazuhiro and Sabrina. Which was where most of her effort was being focused.
Tell the leaves not to turn
But don't ever tell me I'll learn, no, no
Take the black off a crow
But don't tell me I have to go
Maybe it was something that would pass her by like the seasons. Karma knew that wasn't true though. And it was useless to lie to herself. This felt like it was something special. Truth be told, this thing was perfectly content to sit there in the vicinity of her chest. No, it wasn't that warm fuzzy feeling. That's not the way Karma worked, despite what many might or might not think. It was a feeling that she could have fallen back on when there was nothing else, had it been nurtured in any way. She hadn't done a thing to encourage it in any way. Yet, it just stayed there.
She'd seen this type of thing happen to other catgirls before on countless occasions. Sometimes they won this game. Most of the time they didn't. That led to other things that she did not want to contemplate. Even thought she'd seen this type of case before... well, okay, maybe not this particular case... Karma knew what was most likely to happen. But she can see it as clear as day: She'll ignore the examples of those before her, ignore the odds, and ignore reason. Never let it be said that anything that was part cat learned from watching their brethren get killed, maimed, or any number of things. And these examples proved that cats and cat-like creatures did not have nine lives.
Karma had cursed her nature time and again. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't make her feel better so she doesn't know why she does it. She was what she was. And no amount of shape changing or illusion would be able to change that. Karma had tried that tactic a long time ago. It had been fun but it had also lost its novelty quickly. Once she realized that she was still herself despite the forms she took, Karma had kept the use of those talents to a minimum. Useless for anything but fighting and being what she was not but still was anyway. Karma did not relish fighting as some demons did so it was nothing more than a survival tactic.
Again her mind turned to her illusions. There was more than one type of illusion. Simply portraying yourself to be something you are not, even without the aid of magic, can be termed as an illusion. Karma's mind shied away from the word 'deception' when it tried to insert itself into the thought. She was plagued by the not quite fear that someone would see through it. See past it and fit the pieces of her puzzle together. Answer the riddle of her behaviors, small mannerisms, even smaller gestures. And tell her to leave before things were bound to their current course. In Karma's mind, they already were so leaving wasn't a real option. Almost any of them could ask her to leave and she would be able to play it off. Find a way to stay and continue doing as she had been. If he asked her to leave, it would be an entirely different story.
Tell the bed not to lay
Like the open mouth of a grave, yeah
Not to stare up at me
Like a calf down on its knees
With everything that had been happening, Karma had not had the opportunity to eat. Not that there was much to eat. And, despite the fact that Eiko was her primary food source because he was the most content, it wasn't enough. It wasn't the kind of happiness that children feel. It wasn't the simple, undiluted joy that she so enjoyed. Yet there was a part of her that was saying 'It's working. If you stop now, things could go back to the way they were. Are you willing to let that happen?' Karma knew that it was likely just paranoia worming its way into her mind. But she wasn't willing to risk that. She was certain that if she stayed a little longer -just a little longer- everything would fall into place and they would be happy.
Karma had felt hungry before. In fact, she was feeling hungry now. She still had a few reserves of strength left and she estimated that they'd be enough to get her through another day or two. Beyond that she couldn't say. But Karma was having feelings that she could do without roiling inside of her. Sadness, pain... loneliness, something of fear. And the final sensation that made everything so numbing. Heartache. She'd been hurt physically on numerous occasions. Karma had been saddened on more than one occasion as well. It may have seemed odd to a human that she found emotional pain more unbearable than physical pain. Of course, humans rarely died of the adverse effects of emotions. That was not an uncommon cause of death among her kind. At least, those that fell for someone and it didn't work out.
She'd seen it said so many times before. 'You're cute, but not my type.' Why did they forget that catgirls could feel? Did they mean to hurt them? Karma had slowly become convinced that humans could care less about what happened to the light demons they summoned for aid. But then, maybe most of those catgirls were doing what she's doing now. If that was the case... then, did they, like her, decide that it was worth the pain? So many questions... there were never this many questions before. Life had been a bit easier until this group came to be under her care. Karma had always loved a bit of a challenge. But this put a lot of unnecessary strain on her in Karma's opinion.
It was somewhat ironic. Normally she wasn't in a position or a mindset to appreciate such things, let alone enjoy them. But love was supposed to be the most powerful of positive emotions. Just as it's opposite, hate, was said to be the most intense of the negative emotions. She felt love... yet it was hurting her severely. The entire situation was wearing on her to an unbelievable extent. She'd never understood the concept of tired before now. She didn't really age. Her body had no need to repair the daily damage that getting older brought on. The fact that she was tired scared her. That wasn't the way it worked for her species... unless they were losing so much power that they were on the verge of collapse.
Tell me love isn't true
It's just something that we do
Tell me everything I'm not
But don't ever tell me to stop
Was there such a thing as true love? What if there was more than one? Karma shook herself. She was no one's true love. It's never the catgirl. And always the ones that looked... human. And, to an extent, -were- human at some point in time. Is that why Kara and Sabrina had someone? True, Sabrina didn't know how deep Kazuhiro's feelings seemed to run for her. But still. There was someone there for her. Karma wasn't certain if even Kara knew how deeply Eiko felt for her. The instinct for survival was simply to deeply ingrained into the Priestess in her opinion. Karma got the distinct impression that the man would go to hell and back if Kara simply asked it.
What was that like? To know that you would die for someone else, do anything for them? But then, Karma was experiencing it now, so she didn't need to ask the questions. Reciprocation of the feelings was the problem. Love. Love. They never mentioned that it was the most agonizing thing if it was never returned. Poetry that was dark and tried seemed to totally miss the most instrumental part of the entire thing. The person may never know, they may never feel the same thing. Certainly, that hurt badly. But that person falling for someone else..? That was what was so agonizing because it was bound to happen at some point. It was in essentially every creature's nature to seek about a 'suitable' companion. Forget what is available; reach for that which seems to be impossible.
That's certainly what she did, didn't she? Oh yes, Karma thought to herself. I've done myself in this time. However, there was a little nagging voice in the back of her mind. Is it worth it? Is it worth everything? And the answer was a simple 'yes.' It was worth the pain, it was worth the loneliness, it was worth wearing the mask, it was worth being what she was not in place of being what she needed to be for them. She had ignored the price that she was going to pay for making the choice. But it would come all too soon. Karma could feel it happening slowly. The increased weakness that was not entirely the product of fatigue and hunger.
"Why can't I stop this? Even if I wanted to stop, I know that I couldn't. Why?" You're committed to this path. ... She was now answering her own questions. Did unrequited love sometimes drive a person insane? Karma hoped that wasn't the case. She didn't need to lose anything else. But wasn't she already losing everything in this deal? Yes. Yes yes yes. She was. Losing more than anyone knew, save herself and Neo.
[Don't you ever] tell me love isn't true
It's just something that we do
[Don't you ever] tell me everything I'm not
But don't ever tell me to stop
Karma had heard it so many times that her feline ears ached just thinking about it. Love was nothing they said. Had they never felt it? They were likely to cold to let it through their defenses. Or, Karma fancied, they had no heart to begin with. How could an emotion like love touch a heart that simply didn't exist? Simple. It didn't. She had sneered at them when they had declared that love was an illusion, a thing that was the greatest of lies.
Wasn't it? Instinct was to an extent too. You do this now you do that later. And she did it, never thinking to question why she was doing it. She was starting to wonder now. Instinct had started her down this path and reason had tried to stop her. Yea. Fat lot of good it did her in hindsight.
"Oh. Now I'm getting cynical. And maybe a little bitter?" Small wonder she felt a little out of the norm. That wasn't like her. Or, at least, the her she had been pretending to be. Even when she was truly being herself Karma was never bitter or cynical. Ever. It wasn't in the nature of her species any more than it was for them to hate. Well, okay, a few of them had hated. It didn't do her variety of demon any good. In fact, it was detrimental to health so her kind tried to avoid it as often as possible. Yet another reason Karma never went to sporting events anymore.
[Don't you ever]
Please don't
Please don't
Please don't tell me to stop
Would he hate her if he knew? He would most likely be disgusted if anything. A catgirl falling for him. That had to be a nightmare for some people. She could all but hear it now. 'You? But, you're a catgirl. Some bizarre mix of animal and demon. You don't even look totally human. Just... stop. I don't want to hear this.'
Karma's ear drooped and her tail stopped its normal flicking. No, that wouldn't be what was said. She was being far too pessimistic. It would likely be apology and pity she would see in his eyes. And quiet pleading for her to stop before something happened. That lacked finality but that was the most likely scenario. It did nothing to comfort her pain-wracked psyche.
[Don't you ever]
Don't you ever
Don't ever tell me to stop
Karma stopped her pacing and padded over to the couch, sitting down with a shaky sigh. Her head hurt. She had so many questions yet almost all of them, if not -all- of them were answered. Karma could only conclude that the lack of wondering was what was hurting her head. Knowing all the answers didn't exactly encourage hope. In fact, it was the thing that most easily stifled hope. If you knew everything, there was no way you could possibly speculate in a positive manner. It didn't stop her from trying. She just didn't get anywhere by trying.
[Tell the rain not to drop]
Tell the bed not to lay
Like a open mouth of a grave, yeah
Not to stare up at me
Like a calf down on its knees
She stretched out on the couch, letting her fingertips skin the top of the carpeting. The dance would likely be over soon and luckily nothing of note happened. Karma had fully intended to wait up for their arrival. After all, what did she need sleep for? Demons didn't sleep. Although, it was in the best interest of some. A few varieties needed to sleep in order to retain their sanity. Karma had slept only a few times in her existence. There was nothing special about it to her and it always seemed to be a waste of time. You lay there and you do nothing for hours. That wasn't an efficient way to spend your time when there was so much that needed to be done.
Of course... she had been talking to herself. Maybe she did need to get some sleep. Her energy was taxed to the extreme. Maybe sleeping would help restore it to her. When everyone got back, there would be a lot for her to do. Night was only just falling here and it made her feel as if she should be readying herself to hunt for food. Emotions. She was still feline enough to hunt... it just wasn't mice or gazelle that she wanted.
Karma closed her bright orange eyes, letting her body relax. She wasn't skilled at sleeping, but then, it was likely one of those things that came with practice. Karma didn't intend to get much practice sleeping. But then, she might be forced to adapt to it for a bit. Certainly not long, given the way things were going as of late. As her mind finally slowed to a stop, one last tear dropped. She had accepted what was going to happen. And acceptance is what drowns out any hope.
I say here and now that the following writings belong to Kikky-chan unless otherwise noted. Credit is given to those where it is due. I.e. the song lyrics were written by their writers and no one else, they were sung by their performers and likely kareoked to high hell. But the famous person who makes money off of it gets the credit. Please don't sue me. I haven't got anything you'd want but my two Ayumi Hamasaki CDs and I'll fight you to the last breath to keep them because I love them dearly and those are MINE. Hands off on the writings and characters. Most of the characters are mine and I'm very possessive. Moreso than a first grader is possessive of its Pokémon game. I will tell you if the character is not mine and give that person credit for their creation. There will be instances where the characters are from anime. But that's what anime fanfiction is generally based on.
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